My banana note's worth of survival tips for freshmen (applicable to all major "cork-up" tertiary institutions)

1. Get ready a map on the first day of school or a compass if you want to cos LT A will look like LT B will look like LT C, etc etc etc.
2. Dun be lazy, or stingy,print your lecture notes at home cos you will never know if there's 1000 people with the same mentality as you,waiting to print notes from the printer terminals in the computer centre at 8.30a.m lecture time.
3.Make sure your hp battery is fully charged, get a spare battery just in case, cos you will need to have a long 'nice talk' with the f***ing admin. staffs from time to time. (excluding melodious waiting time of listenin to ocean waves or birds happily chirping while waiting for your call to be transferred. Dont you feel like going to the toilet?)
4.Make sure you ate at least 10 pieces of bread in the morning before you leave your house cos most probably you wun enjoy any meals till 7 plus when you reach home due to a cork-up timetable. (Think we are all astroboys and astrogals)
5. Your lecturers most probably worked as part-time salespersons for book companies and will find ways and means to make you walk into their traps. Yes, your 'kiasuism' will definitely causes youto fall into their traps. Then.....
6.Prepare to queue for 'Hello Bookies' in the bookshop for not less than 30 minutes!!(People will point their fingers and laugh at you if you buy sweets only.)
7. IF you felt overwhelmed by the "waves" of assignments cum projects crashed upon you, there's always our friendly Psychology clinic 'round the school' who offer 'friendly' advices at a 'friendly' rate of $15 per session. (Opps, am I too obvious as to which school is that???)
8.Set up a gang of zapping buddies, no...not asking you to zap monsters but books! Many hands save time.
9.Got free gift, go and grab. Must always think we are poor students, squeezed like sugarcanes,the lowest rank in the ecosystem, macham like guava seeds in bird's shit,smelly and shitty
10. Build up your stamina, go exercise, you need lots of lung power (to scold people) and leg power( you think like your primary school ah, 5 mins can finish walking round har?)

The Matric Fair Recruitment Guide for Dummies

Tip #168
When touring around the MPSH during lunchtime, pose off as a freshman by removing your security pass and you'll be rewarded with freebies and goodie bags. Tour the hall a couple of times more if you want plentiful freebies and goodie bags.

Tip #169
With your security pass tugged away, head down to the very first booth in the hall to get the freshman goodie bag for $10. Goodie bag usually comes with a T-shirt, a ring file, an A4 notepad, sweets, magazines, beauty products, shopping vouchers etc.

Tip #170
And of course along the way when you find yourself inevitably surrounded by hard-sell recruiting personnel, simply flash your security pass for immediate immunity.

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Tip #211

A linear arrangement of about 3-4 recruiting personnel across the one-way pathway is usually the best way to ensure that you cover almost everyone present.

Tip #212
If you spot someone talking on the handphone while yet walking very quickly, he/she is most probably talking to air and trying to give everyone the slips. So do not hestitate to deploy the 3-4 man blockade across the pathway to stall further advancement.

Tip #213
If a person only stares at the floor while walking in large swift steps, he/she is definitely heading straight for the exit to the hall. Don't bother using the blockade because the person will not even give you a glance. Chances of him/her signing up is near zero.